War Can Knock On Any Door

You wake up every day, take kids to school and do whatever you usually do without its ever crossing your mind that one day everything can change. But then just one single day changes your life; Somewhere in your country, a war has begun.

UkraineRuinMy story is not a story about what happens when war comes to your house. It is about what happens when war stands just outside.

You start checking the news every hour, scared to see if maybe the situation has deteriorated. And the news shows something you never expected to see in your home news: Continue reading

Stress response: men and women differ

The discovery of how women’s responses to stress are different than men came about in a casual conversation between two University (UCLA) women scientists, Laura Cousino Klein, PhD and Shelley Taylor who noted their reactions to work stress were different than their male colleagues.

They started hunting down some studies on how men and women responded to stress to see if there were any distinguishing differences. What they didn’t find were the studies that focused on this but what they did find was that 90% of studies on stress responses were done on men. This led to a drive to include women in stress research and the results confirm what most of us already know: women when stressed will tend and befriend – women automatically respond either by looking for a friend to share with and/or begin care-taking others.

The resulting studies were posted in an article written by Gale Berkowitz in 2002. And as old as it is by scientific standards, it needs repeating because most of us don’t know this study or we have forgotten it. It seems that oxytocin, a calming hormone that’s released after a serious stressful event is supported by estrogen in women – the same calming hormone women release in childbirth that insures bonding – men on the other hand because of high levels of testosterone, may cancel out the oxytocin. Thus, they may behave aggressively or withdraw and wait it out. Women seek out friends and that may be one reason they/we live longer. The Nurses’ Health Study from Harvard Medical School cited in the same article found that “the more friends women have, the less likely they are to develop physical impairments as they age.

This is simplistic by it gives you the idea. Yes, women and men are different. On the other hand, if you have ever been around combat veterans in a group, you will see incredible nurturing and care-taking going on – what they call comradery, women call love.

Two Heart Cells

When two heart cells are brought together and separated by glass, it takes 2 seconds for them to beat in sync.   What is the lesson for us? — it takes effort to stop that process.

heart-fire

Joseph Chilton Pierce

 

 

The Tone and Texture of Shame

Shikata ga nai: It cannot be helped.

Carl Watanabe is a Japanese American, an intelligent,  thoughtful, fun, and earnest man. He has been in public radio and public life for many years.  I first met him years ago in his public radio role.  Once I realized that he and I shared WWII from very different perspectives — he was Japanese American and I am native Californian who lived on the San Francisco penninsula — I had to talk with him.

JCampCarl is a 74 years old Californian, an American citizen who has done a life time of psychological and intellectual reflecting and studies around his early experience as a very young child in an assembly camp (his family of four lived in an 8 x 12 white washed horse stall at the Santa Anita Racetrack) and then in an Internment Camp in Arizona with his family — his young mother, his father and his four year old sister. Both his mother and his sister died in the camp which makes the whole experience even more indelible and difficult to leave behind, not that one ever leaves this experiences behind — they are the threads in the life tapestry. As I spent time with Carl one of the subjects we talked about was the experience of shame in the Japanese American community.

“Wait” I said,” shame is an experience that holds true across cultures and history when there is violence and particularly where there are strong tribal and community ties. The person who has survived violence will often feel shame.  It is a common and shared experience in human beings.

Carl: ” I challenge you to be more nuanced in thinking and talking about shame. “

Me “OK, but Carl, please help. “

We exchanged emails on the subject.  The most important musings on the subject were Carl’s.

Here are some excerpts

Shame: The whole Japanese American community (1st generation immigrants from Japan who were still citizens of Japan, U.S. born American citizens, and the children of Nisei, such as me) was ashamed that the country, from which we emanated and were emotionally connected to, Japan, had attacked the country in which we now lived and loved. People like my father understood why the vast majority of America reacted the way it did to the attack on Pearl Harbor (concerning fear of Japanese people). Any attempts to view the event from a rational point of view were doomed to failure (e.g., that we personally had no connection to the fighting; and that we were American citizens (ironically all treated as aliens), imbued with constitutionally defined inalienable rights; and that Italian Americans and German Americans were, for the most part, spared the racism, anger and hatred. Thus, the adults felt helpless in protesting how we were being treated. We were ashamed that this happened, and even though we were not at fault, we had to shoulder the blame. That was inevitable.
There is also shame connected to being locked up and JapanesNoticeincarcerated even though you know you’re innocent. Similarly, the shame of being evicted from your home, having to sell your belongings at bargain prices, at having your belongings being displayed on the street, etc. The shame and helplessness connected with not even being able to protect the lives of your pets and other animals.

Ultimately, for my father and his generation, the shame was also connected with having allowed this (the Incarceration) to happen.

I wrote Carl again and asked if I could publish this.
I’d forgotten that I’d written this. I’d been carrying these thoughts around for most of my life. The impact of being part of a group that had attacked our country had been pushed down within me and kept under the surface. Otherwise, I’d have become too bitter and self-absorbed with collective guilt that I’d be impossible to live with. It’s as if I had a box of forbidden memorabilia kept in an attic hideaway, rarely looked at, but always retained as I moved from house to house.

Yes, publish this.

Soon we will publish Carl’s search for a narrative different than the narrative of the dominant culture, his own and that of his people. This piece talks about Carl’s clarification of identity, meaning and yes, peace. Along with that, an interview with German’s who were also children during that time period.

Andrea Steffens

Waves Wash the Wounded Shore

photo: Hayat Al Husseini

From the fifteenth floor balcony, we were looking  at the Mediterranean spreading its waves on the wounded shore. There were smiles coming at us through the windows from the high rise buildings near by. Children screaming in joy, were finally free to check and see if their neighbors were still alive. Flocks of pigeons were flying across the sky wiping away the smoke and clearing the intense noise of the earlier bombing. Ceasefire was announced.

We stayed up most of the night — the bombing was too loud and we couldn’t sleep when our beds were shaking. So, we spent some of the next day catching up on sleep. During the bombing, I was in a most helpless state, there is nothing we can do – but inside of there was a feeling of power. I wanted to say to those concerned that we are here and we will remain. If we are injured, killed, or displaced along the way, it is understood that it is part of the journey. It is our journey. No need to quit here, because it will not help anyone.
Continue reading

Unable to Speak Their Truth

An Ashlar associate describes a barrier to healing for women in traditional cultures who were raped during war. (note: English is not her native language – these are her words with little editing)

Before the war, our society had close connections, large families which were very close emotionally. Since the war ended, not only had huge losses, with regard to the dead, but also has a sense of detachment, lack of connections. Many large families were separated, often for economic reasons but major changes have occurred in the culture of life. Many people thought that when they were free, everything will be fixed and in fact see that the situation is still very difficult. And now, 15 years after the war, the psychological problems are not cured, in the opposite they are increased. We have hundreds of people that come to our organization seeking help for PTSD, Depression, Anxiety and other psychological problems.

People who experienced different traumatic event don’t hesitate to talk about their trauma – in the opposite they need to talk to someone who listen to them, who understand them, who support them, but when we talk for raped women in our society there is something else they call them self “”the dead among the living.”

Even it is considered that are around 20,000 women from age 12 -50, were raped during the war, just 70 women came to our organization, which is the main center in our country for trauma rehabilitation, talked about their stories!

Stories of raped women begin like: “I was raped from Serb forces …”. Only places differ:  “At home, on the road, in the mountains, on the premises, in school building …”. Differentiate number of times “1, 2, 5, 10th…”! Or, duration: “One day, a week, a month, two…!”

The majority were aged 12 to 45 years, while rapes are done in a group, in the presence of relatives in various facilities and camps. They are accompanied by sadistic acts, cruelty and rudeness unexplained, while most of the victims were killed after rape.

Since the end of the war in Kosova, these victims were left without institutional care, except treatments from women’s organizations, who have dealt with this issue but because of shame and stigma, just few of them seek help, and no one from them talk openly for their experience, because if the talk they will have consequences, So they choose the SILENCE, because they think it has less consequences.
Many women who told their husbands that they was raped from Serbs, are divorced. The young girls that were raped, most of them are married with old people, or someone with disability, or they could not marry after the rape happened. Often, survivors feel ashamed and afraid, and some women even been charged for adultery or even as incitement to violence.

I personally offer therapy for 60 rape victims, and 90% of them didn’t dare to tell their husbands that were rape because of the consequences I mentioned above. We had a case when a women told her husband about the rape, he never saw her like her women any more, but used her for prostitution. This lack of understanding in society and coldness cause additional trauma survivors, which finally gather the courage to talk about their experiences.

After a decade and more, the treatment of sexual violence as a war crime finally is going to have institutional support as the Assembly has decided to know raped victims by law. But now the biggest challenge remains that the victims have to declare as victims of sexual violence, the only possibility to realize their legal right. But they still choose SILENCE , without knowing that their silence is poisoning them and their children… SO WE HAVE TO FIND WAYS TO BREAK THEIR SILENCE, TEACH THEM TO SPEAK , OR SPEAK FOR THEM , BECAUSE WORLD HAS TO KNOW WHAT THEY EXPERIENCED AND ARE STILL EXPERIENCING!

“There is no life for me anymore “

“They don’t recognize us as victims of war, but as victims of shame “

“How I wish to sleep quietly for a single day and see a beautiful dream”

“The enemy wounded our soul, but our people stepped in our wounds “

“I’m not alone, I’m never alone …. shame, pain and suffering are my inseparable company.

Journey of Survivors: Sexual Violence in War

Eliminating Sexual Violence in War, was the summit held in London on June 10th, 2014. This Summit welcomed over 900 experts, NGOs, survivors, faith leaders, and international organizations from more than 140 countries.  It was the biggest global meeting on this issue ever convened.

According to Amnesty International, rape is now used deliberately as a military strategy… by the spread of AIDS, and by eliminating cultural and religious traditions.

British Foreign Secretary William Hague co-chaired the summit with Angelina Jolie. He said rape was one of the “great mass crimes” of modern times and called on the nations at the summit to write action against sexual violence into their armies.

Ashlar associate, Selvije Izeti made this presentation:

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Some expressions of survivors of sexual violence in Kosova:

              “People are afraid from hell , I do not fear that I live with that hell every day“

              “They wounded our soul, but people stepped upon our wounds“

              “It might have been better if I’ve jointed the battlefield than to experience the war upon my body” 

             “There is no life for me anymore“

             “They don’t recognize us as victims of war, but as victims of shame“

             “How I wish to sleep quietly for a single  day and see a beautiful dream” 

            “They wounded our soul, but people stepped upon our wounds“

             “I’m not alone, I’m never alone …. shame, pain and suffering are my inseparable company” 

As many of you know, 15 year ago women of  Kosovo have been part of the tragedy inflicted by war in my country.  Always when it comes to sexual violence and rape camps in the Balkans, Bosnia is just mentioned. For Kosovo always is said that there might have been violation.  But in fact it is believed that sexual violation involved about 20 thousand Albanian women in Kosovo, and perpetrators of these crimes have gone unpunished and remain still free.

We all know that throughout history, sexual violence has been used as a weapon of war. Rape is used because it is easily hidden and hits the most vulnerable people, woman and children leaving lasting consequences not only in the individual but also in the family society and whole generations.  Because the effects last a lifetime for survivors of sexual violence it is a war crime in times of war and in times of peace, so peace that we others found in freedom they unfortunately do not yet enjoy.

I work  with the survivors of sexual violence for years, and every time I meet them, I see  the  signs  of  their  suffering  and  their  inhumane  treatment during and after the war. During the war they experienced serious physical and psychological injuries.  It was easy for them to ask help for physical injuries, but the invisible wounds they keep in silent because they know that if they speak will face social consequences like: stigma, humiliation, blaming,  expulsion from home or abandonment by husbands, Divorce. Men have refused to marry girls who have been victims of rape.  Family tends to isolate women who have experienced rape. This has made women, even after 15 years, to choose suffering in silence.

Fifteen years of silence have multiplied wounds, have multiplied the pain facing constant fear, sadness, anger, self-blaming, and shame; Anxiety disorders –PTSD, Depression, somatic complaints, suicidal thoughts, numbness, isolation from family, friends and relatives, loss of attention etc. Even it considered to be 20,000 survivors of sexual violence, just 100 of woman come forward to ask for counseling in services of KRCT, which is one of the main NGO-s that that work directly with the survivors of sexual violence.  Of those, nearly 80 hid their husbands about the rape and continue, to hide the secret out of fear of abandonment or abuse. 

To help victims of sexual violence to recover and rebuild their live they first of all must be treated with respect  humanity, confidentiality. They need to be fully supported  not just from the NGO- s that offer psychological help, but from each member of society so that the  victims  can be offered a sense  of  normalcy, a life  different from what the perpetrators of these  horrendous crimes  designed for them.

The last two years have been many Campaigns to raise people’s awareness and fighting stigma regarding sexual violence through emissions through various documentaries. The survivors have stated that this awareness building is also necessary for them to remove their sense of shame and to understand that they have been victims of crime, not authors.

Finally in Kosova, three months victims of sexual violence are recognized by law as a victim of war and is expected to benefit an Individual compensation in the form of monthly pension as other categories of war.  I hope that this law will be implemented soon, because getting a law onto the statute book is one thing, getting it implemented is another! For woman  must be compensation to those individuals who survived sexual violence as well as other kinds of injury, but also adequate state expenditure on health and housing, schools and jobs, so that women can participate fully in society.

Woman will not find peace till they don’t find justice – that every crime be effectively investigated, every perpetrator prosecuted, every crime punished. Therefore, I think that a key component to ending rape as a weapon of war is the successful prosecution of perpetrators.  Perpetrators need to admit responsibility and to be publicly seen as responsible for their actions

As well raising awareness on gender violence is key to long-term prevention and stopping rape in conflict. As we work towards preventing conflict-related rape, we will address the institutionalized discrimination in our society, while changing people’s mindsets towards violence and women.

Wartime Pregnancy

Sanije is now a 38 years old woman, the mother of two children.  She was only 23 year when her husband was killed and left her with the child one year old and two months pregnant.  As with many of our posts, the story is in her own words except where it interferes with being understood…

For me holidays never had any sense. My father died when I was seven year old. We were seven children, and were raised just by my mother, it was very hard. We lived in very poor economical conditions, we didn’t have enough bred to eat and nothing to celebrate any holiday. When I got married in the age 21, I thought that just at that time I start living. I loved my husband, we lived in extended family of 15 people but in a better economical conditions that I was used to live, so I was very happy.  But my happiness didn’t last much, just two years latter my husband was killed by enemy forces and quelled any joy in my life. Therefore I never enjoyed any holiday, because especially in holiday there is a need for people you love, and when they are absent there is no pleasure to celebrate anything!

Through my story, I want people to understand what consequences War may bring and perhaps it will help them to learn to appreciate life more:

In my town war started earlier than in other places, from 1998 we were isolated, we couldn’t move freely in
the town. I was married just one year before and in February 1998 my daughter Besarta was born home with the help of my mother and sisters in law.

We were afraid to go in Hospital because at that time there were just Serbs working there and we didn’t feel safe. There were stories that they tortured mothers and murdered the babies. Fortunately everything went good and the baby born safe and sound.

Four months later my husband decided to join the Kosovo Liberation Army. Men and boys up to 12 or 13 years of age weren’t safe at home, if found they were murdered. So, they stayed most of the time in mountains, so it was better for them to have a gun to fight or to protect themselves. I   agreed with his decision, even though I felt very insecure at home just with my mother in law and my sister in law and children, no weapons because all the man from our house joined KLA (Kosova Liberation Army). Time to time they secretly came home during the night. My husband every time he came was very sad when he went back  because he couldn’t see his daughter growing up, she already became one years old.

It was April first when enemy forces came into our house — that day they collected many woman in neighborhood and many of them were raped. Fortunately I wasn’t selected, but one of my sister in law yes. They burned our house and forced us to march toward Albania. We heard many stories how the enemy maltreated woman on the way to Albania, so we decided to go to one village because my husband was fighting near there with his four brothers and other of our solders.

We were positioned in one big house and there were more than sixty people, but at last we had food because our solders brought us some of their food. My husband came to see us in that house and tried to encourage us that the War soon will be finished and that we had to be patient.

One week later, April 29, 1999, there was a fighting between enemy forces and KLA solders. That day many KLA soldiers were killed, among them my husband as well. When my brother in law gave us bad news, it seemed like my eyes died. My life died. Now, not only I had lost my husband, but that meant that was losing my daughter  as well because, according to old traditions, when her husband dies and a  woman  has no son, the daughter has to live in husband’s house. I didn’t want to lose my daughter, I’ve grown up without a father and I didn’t want my daughter growing up orphan, without a father and mother. Now I had no fear for nothing. War didn’t scare me any more – what was scaring me was my future, if I had any?!

But luck was not abandoning me – a month later I realize that I was pregnant. I cannot describe how happy I felt. From that minute that I knew that I was pregnant I pray God every minute for it to be a boy, because just in this way I could raise my children.

The war ended in June, we came back to our house, the house was burned and we improvised tents to live in until we constructed new house. It was July, now I was six months pregnant. I refused to go to the doctor and to know about the gender. I was afraid the doctor would say that it was a girl, so I decided to know about it when child will come in life.

As I expected the elders of village were gathered to decide for my fate. According to them if I had a boy, then I have the right to decide if I want to stay with my children in my husband house with my mother in law and other four brothers in law all married. They had an obligation to care for me and the children until the children grow, but  I didn’t have right to be married again. Ever. If I will have another girl, then three months after the birth I should abandon my children and go to my mother house.

No! They were all that I had, my hope my future, my breath.

I cannot describe with words, how happy I was when I brought in life my son Fati (not his real name), I gave him the name of my husband. In this way it was a rebirth for my husband and for me as well. Now nothing could separate me from my children.

Now, fifteen years later, I can say that I have two wonderful children, they are good pupils and very supportive to me. Fati is very talented in football and already has offers to go outside the country to develop his talent, but we still didn’t decide what to do.

I still live in an extended family with my mother in law and other 23 family members of my husband. I can say that they treat me very well and I have been well supported from them. Two year ago I joined to work voluntarily in one NGO for the protection of woman, and  this is a great experience for me because I always wanted to be helpful for others.

I never knew how strong I was until life tested me.  I realized that it is hope that keeps you alive. Hope was my weapon to fight deep sadness.

Today what makes me strong is the love of my children and the work I do helping other women.

I dream one day to have my own house and that my children are successful in life. Their success is my joy and I live my life through their dreams coming true.